I’M A NEW CONVERT TO THE NEW RELIGION OF OLD —
New because it's all over the innanet and old because, obviously, it's as old as the stars duuh!
They call it Zodiac, it’s factual just like the holy books, yea, with permissible inconsistency and flaws… and… it can tell you how special or not-special you are.
Ok yea, I am a late fan of the Z — to the O — to the D.I.A.C.
Years ago, my older sister — who is a medical doctor and factually the most intelligent in my household (Very high IQ if it was tested. Reads a lot and retains more) — told me she understands why I get so emotional because of my Z sign. Phew! I must apologise to her now, 'cause that year, I gave her the most ridiculous look I could ever fold my face into, and she didn't mind my unbelief. She told me I will eventually understand.
My unbelief was loud
As one who saw her big sister as the most intelligent being I could ever know, her belief in zodiac signs was one of the most disappointing things ever. It's like watching a pilot explain how planes are flown with black magic. (I know some believe physics and mechanics are underpinned by magic, but let’s not digress. And I hope they are fine wherever they may be). I didn't mince words telling her it was a ridiculous concept. But you see my sister knows me well and how much my curious mind couldn't resist a good research. She planted the seed and left me to my burrowing.
I watered the plant
Google helped a lot. That very day I discussed with my sister, I began on a journey to disprove my zodiac. Long story short, I found a lot of things about me that were only linked to my birth sign and date. It was scary and thrilling. Scary because I couldn’t believe how easily convinced I could be. Especially on discovering a whole new kind of visualising human behavioural patterns that I have always ridiculed. Thrilling because I was on my way out of normalised religion and, trust me, if you've been a religious person all your life, you would need something similar to focus on. Just like addiction patterns. To stop tobacco, chew gum, etc or cut your hand etc. lol.
Acceptance and Boredom
In a matter of weeks I was bored. (my supposed social media-diagnosed ADHD probably) Too many confusing takes on many subjects, the dates were confusing. Why couldn't our months be aligned specifically to zodiac signs. Why lump together June and July. Why call mine Cancer with a 69th logo?
After a while, I decided to consume less noise online, and focus more on the importance and significance of this knowledge of my zodiac sign. So yea, I am more of a water sign, I can really get in my feelings, I am fluid. I can't make up my mind easily, I am a FEELER, I am a Creative with deep-rooted self-doubt issues. And I will clearly continue to seek my own path to bliss.
But I love that I can now understand that I am not alone in the world going around with too many emotions and wanting new territories and unable to define boundaries. lol.
4 years Later I keep flowing
I recently fought with a friend of 6 years. It was a nasty fight. We said horrible things to each other. And I felt she disrespected me first. In retrospect, we both were unnecessarily hostile to each other. I feel we probably should have remained distant friends and not gotten soo close because we never really created a synergy. We have little things in common beyond working in the same environment. She is not emotional or empathetic, I am a feeler!. Anyways, we had a little argument, I was so emotional about it and expected her to be reasonable. She wasn't. I couldn't take it, and now we are over. T’was a sharp disconnect that felt more like an amputation. It affected my productivity, I began to doubt if I really cared about her anyways, I felt really bad, I began to question if my anger was justified, etc.
I had to face the hard truth, this person wasn't pivotal to my existence. I wouldn’t be close friends with this person if we are just meeting now at this stage of my life. Because I have come to accept my creativity and agnostic existence as pivotal. These two things define me now. She is neither a creative nor agnostic and has little interest in artistic expressions. I realised that whatever bond we created was useful in the past, and my reality is no longer blooming around those memories. I made peace with myself. It's been weeks and I have moved on.
I am a river, call me goddess
Coping with the breakup is tough. But, I love how I do not have just one friend, and every person in my life is in a particular stage of relationship, such that I have another to focus on when one ends. It doesn't make me NOT a bad person. I have my own flaws too. But it's best to understand that I am most happy when I experience people in little doses. And I see myself more like a river, when I pass by, I carry things along, if they become heavy, I release them and move on to carry other things. Life has been super easy since I made peace with my need to flow.
Whether it's ADHD or Water Sign, I know myself better now and will not mourn over lost things.
This is the diary of an #unusualhuman searching for thrills until the bliss of nothingness drags me beyond this consciousness. She feels, she bleeds, she heals, she feels again.