Finding Home — A Search Forever
When It Is Too Good To Be True; It is too true to be good
I hate rejection
No! scratch that, I actually fear rejection. I avoid it at all costs, put away my dreams for so long, and refuse to involve in anything that required an application. For fear of rejection, I never send my poems out for publication or apply to jobs too good for me (or any job at all). That’s why when Vweta wrote this poem, I knew it was for me.
Why do we fear rejection from others
So much so we reject ourselves
Before we even step out the door? — Vweta 2018
All my life I avoided asking, bidding, and applying, just so I wouldn't feel that pull down at the end of a smiling sorry. Thats why my visa application was a big shoutout to the universe. I couldn’t believe I got it without a hiccup. I didn’t know what was waiting for me was bigger than the Visa.
Rant; My life has been upside down
So hear me out. I am a 31-year-old working two full-time jobs online and schooling at one of the best (most exhausting) business executive schools in the world. This means that I am losing my mind trying to juggle school and work and I am failing terribly. Especially as I am new to this country, the official language is not English, and I have found it quite difficult to settle in…blah blah blah (oh my woes). Anyways, I counted it all as an adventure in my books of “I want to experience different cultures as a travel blogger, yadayash”.
Until today, I have surmounted every hurdle I came across since I got to this beautiful country 4 weeks ago (24-Aug). Until today, after my landlady (flat owner, I rented a room from her) asked me to leave because we are not compatible. Its been just 4 days I moved in and my heart has never sunk this low in 4 weeks. Of course I am in denial and refusing to acknowledge this problem. My work load is overflowing on my digital to-do table and my class work and assignments, I have no clue.
Hear me out again, I have paid a lot of money staying in shortlet apartments, and in fact, this is my 4th place in 4 weeks. I was really glad I found a place to settle down and gain a bit of sanity. For someone who likes to be grounded and settled in her own space, it has been really tough dressing up from inside my luggage, searching for a small item in the haystack of cloths or food items I lugged from my home country. Besides that, I have not been able to cook. This has made me starve most days, or eat microwave cooked food. Or eat the bland food in expensive restaurants.
Too good to be true
So this apartment was too good to be true. Picture this: its just me and the meticulous homeowner. No pets, no other flatmate, I can see the sunset beautifully from my room, big spacious room. I can also see the ocean if I lean forward out of my window, location is close to my school, I get enough space in the kitchen for all the bags of food I shipped in. I get lots of space in the freezer, so I know I can finally cook and keep for weeks. It was just mostly good things until I moved in and discovered the home owner has OCD and doesn't want to accommodate my preferences. Its a tough one I am willing to swallow but she gave me quit notice today, because I forgot to turn off the light in the bathroom, I talked late into the night (was doing interview for school assignment) and other things.
Phew! I am just here to rant.
Reality bites like a bulldog
Anyways, Rejection hurts. I need a new place and its sad to lose this great view of the city and sunset. (For context, I am on the 7th floor of a building overlooking the ocean.) I hate how I have to struggle for everything in life. Nothing comes easy to me. Not job, not money, not love, family, friendship. I cant even make a single friend in my class yet. I hate my life right now.
oh btw, I got skin allergies from lodging in a bedbug-infested guest house 2 weeks ago. And my face has a pimple breakout never seen since I was a teenager.
Anyways, back to work as I keep ignoring my present predicament.
The optimism of a pessimistic nihilist is funny
The only thing keeping me sane is that tomorrow is another day to look for joy. And I keep searching for it every day in the little things. I am sad the sunset will be taken from me when I leave this house. I hope to find a cool apartment in 2 weeks.
Peace! Back to work!
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